Shooting Starfish

Dial a Llama - no Visas Required

2009-03-31T06:42:00.001+02:00

Fishing vs Sex

2008-09-12T07:06:00.000+02:00

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'

Gold Fish

2007-10-17T11:28:00.000+02:00

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in

a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the
suit.
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in
here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a
urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish
at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in
a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it
myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and
that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually
active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't
masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told
you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he
does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker

THE BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER....

2007-10-04T07:06:00.000+02:00

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Aircraft Gripe Sheet

2007-10-02T12:37:00.000+02:00

After every flight, Qantas pilots (and others,one would presume) fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers .)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire .

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough .

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cock pit.

S: Something tightened in cock pit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S : Live bugs on back order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick .

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative .

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode .

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search .

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious .

P: Target radar hums .

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics .

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

Shark Attack Repellant, the Ultimate Solution!

2007-09-06T07:26:00.001+02:00

American Shark Attack Repellent

We all fear Shark Attacks, the Americans might have a repellent solution.
Put it this way ..its gonna have to be a big shark!!!

Aging Aunt Mildred

2007-08-20T12:17:00.000+02:00

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast".

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

100,000-volt, Pocket / Purse-sized Taser.

2007-08-20T10:06:00.000+02:00

Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun and pawn shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. Needless to
say, this was way too cool. Long story short, I bought the device and
brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife
what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah. There
I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting little
soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second, but
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you
already know, hell hath no fury like a cat pissed off. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this
little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
batteries thinking to myself "no flippin' way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head tilted to one
side as if to say, "don't do it, master," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, CRAP ON A STICK! I'm pretty sure
Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up, body slammed
me on the carpet over and over and over again and then slammed the
recliner over my head as a chaser. I vaguely recall waking up on my
side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again,
do it again!"

Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thing
as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that
thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative. A
minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent and forlorn reading glasses were
hanging miserably on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get
there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and judging by how
my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip must have weighed 88 lbs. By the
way, at this point my testicles, feeling like they withdrew into my body
somewhere around my ribcage, are still waiting for the all clear signal
to emerge from the bomb shelter. Now I know how Tom Hanks' character
felt when he had to go search for Private Ryan. I felt like I should
offer a significant reward for their safe return. Even now, I
experience shrinkage when I plug anything into the socket. If you ever
feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser to test it, take my
advice! Repeat after me...here, kitty kitty....

Spearfishing Trip

2007-08-01T12:26:00.000+02:00

Four guys were on a Spearfishing Trip. They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."

MEXICAN OYSTERS

2007-07-30T07:09:00.001+02:00

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming
around in Mexico . While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only
did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What
is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah, Senor. You have excellent taste! Those are
called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning.

A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come
early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that
evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and
said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the
ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes
the bull wins."

Work ethics revised?

2007-07-16T07:55:00.000+02:00

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

To error is human, to forgive is not company policy.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

I NEED TO TELL YOU A SECRET

2007-07-10T16:02:00.000+02:00

1) I NEED TO TELL YOU A SECRET (LO0K AT #5)
2) THE ANSWER IS (L0OK AT #11)
3) D0NT GET MAD (L0OK AT #15)
4) CALM DOWN DONT BE PISSED ( L0OK AT #13)
5) FIRST (L0OK AT #2)
6) D0NT BE THAT MAD (L0OK AT #12)
7) I JUST WANTED TO SAY Hi...LOL
8) WHAT I WANTED TO TELL YOU IS...(THE ANSWER IS ON #14)
9) BE PATIENT (L0OK AT #4)
10) THIS IS THE LAST TIME IMMA DO THIS (L0OK AT #7)
11) IM NOT MAD WHEN IM SAYIN THIS:( (L0OK AT#6)
12) S0RRY (L0OK AT #8)
13) D0NT BE GETTIN ALL HYPE (L0OK AT #10)
14) I D0NT KNO HOW TO SAY THIS (L0OK AT #3)
15) YOU MUST BE REALLY PISSED O0F (L0OK AT NUMBER #9+

So you want to fart in a wet suit?

2007-07-04T08:39:00.000+02:00

NEVER

NEVER

NEVER

NEVER

NEVER

NEVER

NEVER

EVER

fart in a wet suit !!!!!!

Questions I've never been able to answer....

2007-07-03T13:05:00.000+02:00

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder...... Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

What makes Sharks Fart?

2007-06-27T08:55:00.000+02:00

Jack's StarFish

2007-06-07T14:51:00.001+02:00

Oh Jack what a beautiful StarFish you have!

Borat Kewley sighted at Sordwana!

2007-04-16T10:49:00.000+02:00

Headlines: "Once respectable Spearo turns Borat!"

Ryan Borat Kewley fearing getting married, lost the plot and went Borat! This great feat was achieved with the help of good friends and much beer.

What does concern me was his willingness to submit to the Borat and ultimately send the throngs of up country woman dilly as he strutted his borat on the beach at Sordwana. Or maybe was that his plan?

One has to question this ...... does he maybe have a secret ' I wanna strut my g-string ass on the beach' thing going??

Please note that the spear fishing was terrible at Sordwana the next day, and probably for weeks too come.

So please I do not encourage this type of behavior! It's nasty.

Any way Ryan you totally dorked your last bachelor weekend and you get a special place in the Starfish hall of Fame!

Spear fishing Joke

2007-04-04T15:11:00.001+02:00

Two free divers go spear fishing. They shoot a lot of fish and 
return to the shore.
The first one says, "I hope you remember the spot where we 
 caught all those fish."
The other answers, "Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the 
boat to mark the spot."
"You idiot!" cries the first, "How do you know we will get the 
 same boat tomorrow?"

DELIGHTFUL!

2007-03-27T11:36:00.001+02:00

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/2 litre of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually, you will shake hands with 11 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime, 22 nosey workmen doing work in your home will have examined the contents of your dirty laundry basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests. (Mouth herpes.)

Daily you will breathe in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.

YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY NOW!

Try this Spearfishing / Free Dive training programme I'm on - you won't believe the results!

2007-03-12T14:26:00.000+02:00

Dive Training : Advanced programme for Free Divers and Spearfishing

Building upper body strength –
(great for increasing lung capacity, swim & speargun load strength)

Just came across this exercise suggested for all spearfishermen to build
muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy so I
thought that I'd pass it on to my dive buddies and even my family. The
article suggested doing it three days a week.

1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty
of room at each side. With a 2kg potato sack in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you
can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

2. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a
bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato sacks. Then
25kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift
a 50kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute (I'm at this level).

3. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the
sacks.

Starfish Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums:

2007-03-05T15:05:00.001+02:00

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Amazing Freediver

2007-02-22T08:50:00.001+02:00

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet
below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was,
with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him
a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute
later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof
chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay
under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had
written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies 4 Spearo's

2007-02-19T16:55:00.000+02:00

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables (or fish fillets) by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Shoot yourself in the leg with a rusty spear and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: Q-20 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the Q-20.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.(check their starfish)

(This is the most important one - 4 Evan)
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family, friends and fellow Starfish; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.