Gold Fish

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in

a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the
suit.
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in
here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a
urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish
at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in
a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it
myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and
that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually
active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't
masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told
you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he
does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker

THE BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER....

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

Aircraft Gripe Sheet

After every flight, Qantas pilots (and others,one would presume) fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers .)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire .

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough .

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cock pit.

S: Something tightened in cock pit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S : Live bugs on back order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick .

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative .

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode .

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search .

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious .

P: Target radar hums .

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics .

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget